A CHILD'S GUIDE TO PARENTS
1. Your parents are not perfect.
2. Your parents are lonely, scared, and insecure, just like you.
3. Your parents do not have a perfect marriage.
4. Your parents are often sorry that they married each other.
5. Your parents are trying to protect you from their problems.
6. Your parents need your help.
7. You have known and loved your parents your whole life.
8. Tell your parents that you are willing to talk to them about their problems.
9. Tell your parents that you understand that they are not perfect.
10. Tell your parents that you love them, despite all their problems and imperfections.
AGING 101
1. Life is aging.
2. Aging is acquiring emotional and physical wounds.
3. Wound-healing depends on metabolism.
4. Metabolism depends on air, water, and food.
5. Metabolism is undermined by toxins and addictions.
6. Toxins and addictions interfere with wound-healing.
7. Toxins and addictions accelerate aging.
8. Avoiding toxins and addictions slows down aging.
9. Aging does not necessarily lead to infirmity.
10. Aging without infirmity is the purpose of life.
CARNAGE
Cars are toxic, traumatic,
aristocratic, emblematic, problematic,
metallic carapaces for the nihilistic,
narcissistic, masochistic fanatic.
COMMON SENSE 101
1. We are alive.
2. Life is metabolism.
3. Metabolism depends on air, water, and food.
4. Metabolism is undermined by toxins and addictions.
5. Toxins and addictions make us sick and irrational.
6. Irrationality leads to conflict, violence, and war.
7. Conflict, violence, and war destroy life.
8. Life and peace require common sense.
9. Common sense means paying attention to the obvious.
10. The obvious is the connection between life and metabolism.
CONNUBIAL CONUNDRUMS
1. Marriage is an unconscious attempt to re-create and repair childhood traumas.
2. Marriage can be both torrid and horrid.
3. Considering the prevalence and pain of divorce, people should be married by a lawyer and divorced by a clergyman. Let's practice prevention and merciful intervention.
4. The recipe for marriage is one part love and nine parts like at 98.6 degrees.
5. Don't settle for the wrong person, and don't let the right one get away.
DEAR GOD
Please correct me
But be gentle
Please teach me
But be patient
Please heal me
But be careful
Please help me
But be quick
DO RE: ME
Don't praise me
I couldn't do less
Don't blame me
I couldn't do more
Don't judge me
Just accept me
FATHER'S DAY CARD TO FATHER TIME
Dear Dad,
Time is like tofu
Tofu is nutritious but bland
And needs spice
Time, likewise, is essential but boring
And needs meaning
Yours forever,
Hugh
GARBAGE VERBIAGE
Words can obfuscate rather than communicate. Two examples are redundancies and oxymora. Redundancies deny reality with synonyms. Oxymora distort reality with antonyms.
REDUNDANCIES: higher mathematics, split personality, ambivalent feelings, self-love, self-hate, heartache, obsessive thoughts, compulsive behavior, male ego, female wile, childish games, dirty fighting, sexual fantasy, fantasy life, small talk, television commercial, toxic waste, busy day, restless night, headache, stuffy nose, dry mouth, tooth decay, bad breath, sore throat, stiff neck, hardening of the arteries, shortness of breath, hunger pangs, upset stomach, intestinal gas, dry skin, body odor, and wildlife.
OXYMORA: Mother Nature, human nature, open mind, free will, conventional wisdom, common knowledge, common courtesy, common sense, true love, in-laws, nursing home, funeral home, beauty parlor, high society, equal opportunity, healthy competition, professional athlete, sports medicine, commercial arts, public education, public service, political science, military hero, United Nations, legal profession, Federal Reserve, and day off.
One-word oxymora: civilization, royalty, insurance, diner, delicatessen, and lover. Reality is the ultimate oxymoron.
GOOD MOURNING
It's been a long time
I miss you
Do you miss me?
You were my sweetheart
Now you're my obsession
Love has an aim and object
As we became a couple
Aim and object fused
Now I must change this syntax
And liberate my lonely libido
Now I must grieve
And sever aim from object
GREEN WITH ENVY
He: You look pale, Rhoda. What's bugging you?
She: I feel rotten, Denny. I'm stumpy, and my roots are showing.
He: Come on, honey. You've blossomed into a real beauty.
She: I'm so lucky to have landed you. But I wish I were thin and exotic like Rose and Lily.
He: So that's it. You're jealous of those two anorectic Twiggys. Have you been dieting?
She: Well, yes. I just want to lose a few pounds. So far it's all water loss.
He: No wonder you look wilted.
She: I feel pretty rocky.
He: Don't pine, Rhoda. You're fragrant, earthy, and colorful.
She: Oh, Denny. I love you. You're my oasis, sky, and stars.
He: Now let's get some sun, and then we'll eat.
She: Please don't ever leave me.
Pasquale: Dominick, those two rhododendrons are planted too close. Separate them, and give the little one some water and fertilizer.
GRIEF
Don't ask me to say hello
I can't say goodbye
Don't ask me to say yes
I can't say no
Don't ask me to hold your hand
I can't let go
Don't ask me to live
It hurts too much
HAIKU AGUE
Infectious disease:
kill the eponymous bug
but not the sick lug.
HAIKU BIG PHARMA LOVES YOU
Medical journals:
the key opinion leaders
indubitably.
"Big Pharma" refers to an association of large, wealthy, powerful pharmaceutical companies. "Key opinion leaders" refers to medical experts who influence doctors to write prescriptions which benefit Big Pharma.
HAIKU CODE BLUE
Hospitals are a
phantasmagoria of
fantasy and gore.
HAIKU CURFEW
Time is God's patience.
When God runs out of patience
We've run out of time.
HAIKU DOCTORATES ARE JUST TOO-TOO
Diplomatosis:
Academic neurosis
Apotheosis
HAIKU FOR DOCTORS, TOO
Hippocrates said
Ars longa, vita brevis
Life is our purpose
HAIKU FOR THE HEARING
Words that aren't heard
Aren't fully understood.
Words don't count; deeds do.
This haiku seeks to bridge the divide between the hearing and the deaf, neither of whom "hear" each other.
HAIKU FOR WHO*
Health care 101:
Your hunger and thirst come first.
Avoid addiction.
*World Health Organization of the U.N.
HAIKU GOVERNMENT SCREW
Abuse of power:
the state's ubiquitous acts
of iniquity.
This haiku is dedicated to Voltaire, who said,
"It’s dangerous to be right when the government
is wrong."
HAIKU HUGH MANN
organicMD:
humane communication
promotes peace and health
HAIKU I KNEW YOU
If the child you were
could meet and know you today,
what would that child say?
HAIKU I TOLD YOU
If doctors dismiss
anecdotal evidence
science will stagnate.
HAIKU IT'S NOT THE FLU
The best way to cut
the Gordian knot of health
is Occam's razor.
HAIKU NEW IDEAS
Creativity:
the Kilimanjaro of
civilization.
HAIKU VOODOO
Placebos assuage
the guilt and incompetence
of health-care experts.
HEAVENLY FATHER
It sounds trite, but my father was a great guy.
Lacking sophistication, but not dedication,
he supported us in a comfortable home,
while he worked in a filthy factory.
After ten hours of standing at a machine
and inhaling clouds of toxic dust,
he came home cheerful and loving,
without self-pity or resentment.
One day, my father surprised me
with a bicycle he built from spare parts
that he found in the basement of our tenement.
I loved that multi-colored bike,
because my father built it for me
with his hands and his heart.
God, thank you for my father.
Now I know what to expect from You.
HIGH KUDOS FOR H20
HAIKU BOUQUET
With its rain and dew
Spring is water's billet-doux
Of floral tutus
HAIKU HONEYDEW
With tropical fruits
Summer is water's sweet kiss
Of succulent bliss
HAIKU ADIEU
With its frost and sleet
Fall is water's au revoir
Of sleep and retreat
HAIKU ACHOO
With its ice and snow
Winter is water's wicked
Wonderful uh-oh!
HOMESICK
As a baby, I wanted
Comfort from my mother
As a child, I also wanted
Counsel from my father
As an adult, I've learned to live
Without comfort or counsel
But I still miss
My mother and father
HUMAN DESERT
When I tell you how bad I feel
Don't give me advice or a pep talk
When I'm out of gas
I don't need a road map or car wash
When I tell you how bad I feel
Don't treat me like I'm crazy or contagious
When I feel terminal
I don't need diagnoses or quarantine
So when I tell you how bad I feel
Either give me something of yourself
Or shut up and try to listen
And what, you ask, is that something?
Never mind.
HUMANOLOGY I
A liar misinforms others
A fool misinforms himself
An honest man informs others
A wise man informs himself
HUMANOLOGY II
Facts = feelings + data
Knowledge = explanation of facts
Wisdom = humane application of knowledge
Humanity = capacity for self-knowledge and choice
IF
If you hate me
Tell me
If you like me
Give to me
Live for me
If you love me
Sigh for me
Cry for me
Lie for me
Die for me
INTIMACY
1. As an embryo, and later a fetus, your needs are automatically satisfied.
2. With birth, you lose your home (uterus), friend (placenta), and instant gratification (umbilical cord).
3. This is a profound and haunting loss.
4. All behavior is an unconscious attempt to re-create prenatal life.
5. Intimacy replaces the closeness and comfort of the womb.
6. Intimacy requires chemistry, communication, and friendship.
7. There are two types of intimacy: psychological (affection) and physical (sex).
8. Affection need not be sexual, but sex should be affectionate.
9. Affection and sex are food and spice for the soul.
I REMEMBER YOU
My eyes took a picture of you
And my brain laminated it.
My mouth took a taste of you
And my tongue catalogued it.
My body took a measurement of you
And my arms recorded it.
My feet took a walk with you
And my legs longed for more.
My heart took a chance with you
And my soul opened the door.
IT'S ALIMENTARY, MY DEAR
In Alimentarium
In the Cellulosum section
Lived a soft-hearted Hoosier named Indiana Banana.
Long and lean, he liked to hang out
with a bunch of friends.
In the Butcherinum section
Lived a salty Virginian named Sam the Ham.
Short and fat, he couldn't be cured
of his craving for sugar.
One day, Sam called Indiana yellow
And challenged Cellulosum to a tug of war.
Indiana pealed with zest
And arranged the meet on the Isle of Dairyana.
Everyone was prepared:
For Cellulosum, there were Indiana,
the Sacramento Tomato Twins,
and Artie, Mrs. Choke's son.
For Butcherinum, there were Sam, Vinnie Veal,
Bennie Beef, and Sam's cousin, Sal Spam.
Manny Manager, Stanley Stockboy, and
Charlie Checkout served as judges.
The players were mustered
And relished the caper.
To add spice, each team had cheerleaders:
Cellulosum had the Veggies
Butcherinum had the Patties.
Near the end, Cellulosum got the razzberry
for unnecessary roughage.
After two hours, Butcherinum ran out of muscle
and couldn't catch up.
Cellulosum planted their feet, held their ground,
and steamed to victory.
Later, at dinner, everyone danced the Casa-Roll
and toasted Hosanna Banana!
MAN VERSUS MOTHER NATURE
Man is incontinent
Mother Nature is a continent
Man has courts
Mother Nature has quartz
Man is mental
Mother Nature is elemental
Man is ironic
Mother Nature is ionic
Man has elections
Mother Nature has electrons
Man has quirks
Mother Nature has quarks
Man is unclear
Mother Nature is nuclear
Man has gray matter
Mother Nature has dark matter
MOTHER
Look at me with loving eyes
Lavish me with lullabies
Tickle me till I'm in stitches
Nourish me with kisses
And good wishes
MOTHER'S DAY CARD TO MOTHER NATURE
Dear Mom,
I'm angry at you
Your children are sick and unhappy
Don't you care?
Have we disobeyed or offended you?
Please speak up
While there's still time
Your son, the doctor
MYSELF
I'm trying to remember
What I never knew
I'm trying to say
What I never thought
I'm trying to find
What I never lost
I'm trying to be
Myself
PARENT'S TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Feed, shelter, and clothe your child.
2. Protect your child from the world.
3. Protect your child from yourself.
4. Protect your child from your spouse.
5. Protect your child from your marriage.
6. Protect your child from himself.
7. Study and understand your child.
8. Help your child to accept and respect himself.
9. Teach your child to think.
10. Teach your child to parent himself.
POTUS & FLOTUS 44*
America's Founding Fathers envisioned freedom
but they never could have imagined today
Harriet Tubman ran the Underground Railroad
but she never could have imagined today
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves
but he never could have imagined today
Susan B. Anthony promoted women's rights
but she never could have imagined today
Eleanor Roosevelt internationalized human rights
but she never could have imagined today
John F. Kennedy legalized civil rights
but he never could have imagined today
Martin Luther King articulated civil rights
but he never could have imagined today
Somewhere in heaven, a jubilant choir is singing,
"Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty,
we are free at last!"
*This poem celebrates Barack and Michelle Obama
as the 44th President of the United States (POTUS)
and First Lady of the United States (FLOTUS).
REIGN OF BLAME
Education credits the teacher
but blames the student
Health-care credits the doctor
but blames the patient
Economics credits the banker
but blames the borrower
Courts credit the lawyer
but blame the client
Government credits the politician
but blames the citizen
Media credit the sponsor
but blame the consumer
Religion credits the clergy
but blames the believer
Society indemnifies itself
by condemning the individual
RELATIONSHIPS
1. Most relationships are pretense, not substance.
2. Enemies slander; friends pander; loyalties meander.
3. There are two kinds of people: somebodies who think they're nobodies, and nobodies who think they’re somebodies. If you’re the former, avoid the latter.
4. Relationships progress through three stages: honeymoon (best behavior), testing (worst behavior), and friendship (cooperative behavior).
5. There are three types of dependency needs: primary (food, shelter, and clothing), secondary (support, guidance, sympathy, loyalty, patience, and discipline), and tertiary (affection and sex).
6. Most people fail to satisfy their dependency needs; therefore, cultivate independence and an eye for trustworthy, dependable people.
7. If your head and heart disagree, you're human, confused, and brokenhearted. Follow your heart, but don't lose your head.
SICK SOCIETY
When people are sick
we ask doctors to cure them
When societies are sick
we ask politicians to cure them
We forget that a society
is a group of people
And that a sick society
is a group of sick people
Who are suffering
and need help
SUPINE IS SUBLIME
I love to lie on my back
It's effortless and dreamy
Free of skeletal concerns
Sitting is awkward
Standing is outward
Walking and running are downward
My bed and hammock are heavenly
Moving me inward and upward
So I can exorcise my body
And exercise my mind
SUPREME COURT
Case: God vs. Mother Nature
Date: Your Birthday
Complaint: God charges Mother Nature with
promiscuity, cruelty, and child abuse.
Counter Complaint: Mother Nature charges God with
neglect, abandonment, and delusions of grandeur.
Final Judgment:
1. This marriage is dissolved due to irreconcilable differences.
2. Mother Nature is awarded custody of the home and children.
3. God is granted visitation on Saturday or Sunday.
4. The Court will periodically send Someone to civilize and supervise the children.
5. In the event of a reconciliation, Paradise will be restored.
6. In the meantime, the world will experience senseless, limitless cruelty.
THE MAGIC OF MOMMY AND DADDY
1. A mother helps you to dream, while a father helps you to wean.
2. Parents should exult, not insult; exalt, not assault; confess, not profess; and pray, not prey.
3. You reflect the purity of your parents' souls.
4. There are two kinds of parenting: primary (childhood) and secondary (adulthood).
5. A deficiency of primary parenting complicates all future relationships.
6. You never outgrow your need for parenting. At best, you get your minimum daily requirement from family, friends, and role models.
7. Create the magic of mommy and daddy for yourself and your loved ones.
THE REAL YOU
It's not how you look
it's what you cook.
It's not where you toil
it's what you boil.
It's not where you stay
it's what you sauté.
It's not who you cradle
it's what you ladle.
It's not what you say
it's what you puree.
It's not what you do
it's what you chew.
It's not what you deduce
it's what you juice.
It's not what you think
it's what you drink.
It's not who you follow
it's what you swallow.
It's not who you meet
it's what you eat.
TO XX, FROM XY
your angelic face, adoring eyes,
kind voice, gentle kiss,
& tender touch
have changed my
blood type &
fingerprints
TREASURE HUNT
You love money
But it doesn't love you
You love nature
But it doesn't love you
You love life
But it doesn't love you
So find someone
Who needs you
And completes you
UTTER TRUST
Many great singers are blind
You see, the blind have an "advantage"
They never have to face animosity or deception
And so never lose their childlike trust
Or true voice
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A CHILD'S GUIDE TO PARENTS
